How To Decrease Shame After A Pregnancy Loss

What's your experience like, is it hard to find community? It takes courage and vulnerability to foster connections that support our growth and healing, especially when we're struggling.

As we welcome November, I'm reflecting on October and the advocacy and awareness highlighted through the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month campaigns on social media. I was reminded by Sara*, a member of my infertility group, how much work there still is to do. Sara's experienced multiple pregnancy losses over recent years and yet never heard of this awareness campaign. How about you?

Sara joined the group feeling emotionally isolated from her large and loving family. As the parent of a toddler, there were a lot of questions about baby number 2’s arrival. She shared little with family about her recurrent miscarriages and secondary infertility and came to loathe family events. The barrage of questions that would inevitably come, and the feelings of shame were too much. Isolation was easier.  
 
Thankfully, someone pointed Sara to my group. She loved hearing from other group members who faced similar dilemmas, and similar grief. She perked up when I shared about the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness campaign early in the month. We discussed the different hashtags to explore, and the Wave of Light ceremony on October 15th, where people light candles in honor of their babies who have died.

Earlier this week we met for our final group session. Sara beamed as she shared about her disclosure on social media. Inspired by the online community around #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth and the connections she made in group, Sara shared publicly for the first time about her journey.  

She was blown away by the thoughtful comments, love, and compassion she received from her community. When she attended a family event over the weekend, no one asked her about baby number 2. Was it a coincidence? She wasn’t sure, but she felt inspired by the response to her vulnerability and encouraged to keep talking with those she loved. 

I share Sara’s experience for a few reasons. To highlight:

1- Campaigns like Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month are so important!

They help create community for people who are feeling isolated. They decrease shame and inspire people, like Sara, to break their silence and gain needed support to weather difficult times. Campaigns like this also help to educate our community so we can be more empathetic towards one another.

2- Your voice matters.

Letting people in takes courage and vulnerability.  Letting people know your pain means they can offer you support. Does sharing on social media feel like too much? Consider what it would be like to open up to someone you trust. What might you gain in return?

3- Therapy groups are healing.

Not only do groups decrease isolation, but connecting with others experiencing similar struggles has the power to reduce shame. After all, empathy is the antidote to shame. 

I know it can feel scary to step out of your comfort zone. While social media can be a tough place, when you look in the right places there are many supportive communities waiting. To join a group, to speak up, to ask for help— it takes courage. And yet, taking risks, like Sara, is what brings us out of isolation and closer to one another. 

If you're interested in joining a group here in San Diego, or virtually throughout California, or would like to explore individual support along your reproductive journey, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Why I took a risk and joined a therapy group

In May of this year, I published this in my newsletter. I want it to live on for others to read and learn more about group therapy so I’m sharing it here. (If you’d like to join my mailing list to receive future newsletters, please sign up here).

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Last October I enrolled in a group therapy training program. If you’ve been following along for any length of time you know I’m passionate about running groups. If you're new here— welcome!

Enrolling in this program seemed like a natural step to deepen my work. What I didn’t realize was just how much I would learn about myself. In addition to the monthly Saturday classes, students are required to participate in a weekly interpersonal process group. I was aware that one's role in the group often mimics interactions in the outside world. But I had no idea how that would FEEL.

To see myself more clearly has been liberating. From my interactions with colleagues, to the group of parents I’ve met through my child’s softball team, to my family of origin— I'm the same person, doing the things I do that keep me feeling safe and that simultaneously hold me back from being the person I'd like to be. 

The group provides an experimental place to try out new things and take risks in being the person I'd like to be in the outside world. With practice, the hope is that I will start making changes in all my real-world groups.

Participating in a group is a risk. We don't know how we will change, and if the group will deliver what we are seeking. It takes vulnerability and courage to show up, commit, and make changes where old patterns are no longer serving us. By the end of the group, most people feel more comfortable in their own skin.

I don't usually disclose so much about myself, but I’m sharing my experience because soon I will be offering process groups in my practice to provide a similar opportunity for others. Message me here with any questions you have about process groups. What would it be like to lean into being a better version of yourself? 

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As of August 2024, I’m opening enrollment for a women’s group I’m starting this fall. This group is open to everyone and anyone who identifies as a woman. Would you like to learn more about yourself, challenge old patterns, improve relationships at work, home, with peers? This group is for people who are interested in learning about their own reactions and interpersonal interactions. The focus is on what comes up within and between the members in the room. You can learn more about the group here.

6-Week Mind-Body Infertility Support Group Starting

If you've been following along for any length of time, you know that I'm passionate about helping women who are experiencing infertility. I understand how lonely, scary and isolating this path can be.

In addition to the individual infertility counseling I provide to women in my private practice here in San Diego, I facilitate support groups. These groups introduce new coping strategies and offer women a place to share, connect and gain support from other women who are going through the same thing. 

This may not be you, but it's someone you know- your sister, your cousin, your friend. I know because of just how common infertility is that we're talking about someone you know, perhaps someone you care for deeply. Please consider sharing this with her.  

Does this sound like you, or someone you care about?

• "I'm so overwhelmed with the process of trying to have a baby; I never thought it would be this hard".

• "I feel so alone in this process; no one I know has struggled to have a baby"! 

• "I'm not really sure what to do anymore. The anticipation and the waiting/trying to conceive are stressing me out so much".

• "I'm dreading this visit home and having to hear one more person ask me when we're going to have a baby". 

• "I feel so guilty for how I feel when I see pregnant women, or baby announcements; is this normal?"

Maybe you/they haven't actually said these words, but the feelings are there. If it's someone you care about, perhaps you've noticed their withdrawal, their worry and you're concerned about them.

Gaining support from others and developing new coping skills can help: 

• Reduce anxiety, stress and/or overwhelm 

• Lessen feelings of isolation, loneliness or depression

• Improve communication and relationships with important people in your life

My next Infertility Support Group starts on October 9th and is designed for women who are experiencing primary or secondary infertility. Throughout the group we'll explore issues related to infertility, including the impact on identity, self-esteem, sexuality and relationships. Participants have the opportunity to learn and practice relaxation and other mind-body coping skills each week. While we can't change the stressors you experience each day, you can learn to manage your response to allow you to live more comfortably and engage with life more fully. 

You can learn more about the group and schedule an intake through this link. If you have any questions, you can email me or sign up for a free consultation.

You also might find this blog post helpful when considering the benefits of a support group. 

Preparing for Postpartum: A Workshop at Mother to Mother Midwifery

It's Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month and I'm excited to be speaking locally here in        San Diego about this important topic.

Please join me on Sunday, May 20th from 1 - 3pm at Mother to Mother Midwifery in University Heights for an interactive workshop on planning for the postpartum period. You'll learn more about the common range of emotions expecting and new mothers may experience, and how to get the support you need throughout this transition. You'll also leave with a personalized visual map for staying connected with others and building a community that supports you through this time.

We know that 1 in 5 women experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (PMAD) while pregnant or postpartum and that this isn't just part of the normal adjustment to motherhood. If you're not quite you and you're brushing it under the rug, please join us next Sunday to learn more. If you need help immediately or can't make it next Sunday, the Postpartum Health Alliance in San Diego and Postpartum Support International are great resources for finding therapists and support groups near you.

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Here's a snippet from the description of the workshop from Mother to Mother Midwifery's website: 

Riding the Postpartum Waves: Understand the wide range of feelings that come with a new baby and how to let your community support you

Becoming a mother is the biggest transition a woman goes through in her adult life. We’re taught to think and plan for the birth: Will I have an epidural? Pitocin? Vitamin k? I’ll bring music, wear an eye mask… There’s such a huge range of considerations. But what about after the birth? We anticipate happiness, love, deep connection with our partner and an instant bond with our baby. How will we foster these emotions and experiences? Will they just happen? And what else might I expect? Read more on Mother to Mother Midwifery's website. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Resources for Connection and Healing

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

In the United States, one in four women experience a miscarriage, and one in 160 experience a stillbirth each year. These number are high, though despite being such a common occurrence the pain is no less. 

Perhaps you have experienced a loss yourself. If not, you surely know someone who has, even if you're not aware of it. Losing a baby can be a lonely and isolating time. Unfortunately, death and loss continue to be very private topics in most circles. For some well-meaning family and friends, they're not sure what to say and how to help (this article might be helpful for them to read). And for others, they're unaware just how long these wounds remain. Time marches on, yet for those who have experienced such a loss, time also stands still.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and this Sunday, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrence Day. In solidarity with all the families who know this pain, I offer no advice but resources to help you connect with others on your healing journey, and to honor your lost child(ren) throughout the month. You are not alone. 

San Diego Events and Resources for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Walk to Remember 2017 Empty Cradle"s annual  Walk to Remember will be held on Sunday, October 15, 2017 at Town Center Community Park East in Santee, CA.Side By Side 5K  A 5K benefitting Life Perspectives, a non-profit organization that provides healing resources for men and women worldwide who are experiencing loss through miscarriage or abortion. 

Empty Cradle  A San Diego Based peer support group for parents who have experienced the loss of their baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, TFMR, infant death, SIDS or SUID. Our goal is to offer bereaved families support via a resource parent network, through monthly meetings, written materials and partnership with the health care community.

Postpartum Health Alliance Lists many more resources, both locally here in San Diego and nationally for families experiencing a loss. 

National Events for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Remembering Our Babies The official site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day-- October 15th. Please consult for local to you walks and activities. 

Wave of Light  October 15th is the wave of light event. The idea is at 7pm no matter what your time zone is you light a candle in remembrance for our angels, if you keep it burning for at least an hour there will be a continual wave of light across the world all day.

Capture Your Grief  A 31 day photograph challenge. If you have experienced the death of your baby/ies/child/ren, this project is designed just for you! It doesn’t matter whether you are only a week into this walk or you have been walking this road for 20 years, all are welcome to join in.

Pregnancy Loss Journey  A podcast where you can hear from professionals, authors, and organizations in the field, along with personal loss stories. 

If you are in San Diego and could benefit from additional support along your journey, please reach out for help. It would be an honor to walk beside you. And if you are somewhere else in the world and looking for counseling around the loss of a pregnancy or infant, please refer to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Directory. 

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Please feel free to add any additional local or national events in the comments. If you're mourning the loss of a child and would like to connect with a therapist in the San Diego area, I’m happy to help. Feel free to reach out by phone or email and we can talk about ways you might benefit from counseling. 

Becoming More Mindful: Where to Start?

Photo by Tanushree Khanna on Unsplash

We live in a fast-paced society where it feels like there's rarely (dare I say never) enough time. I know I'm not alone in this feeling; I hear about it daily from friends and family, and of course the clients I counsel in my practice. The overwhelm is folded into the lives of my clients who are struggling to conceive, those grieving, the women who are adjusting to the reality of motherhood, the men who feel a ridiculous amount of pressure to provide and succeed financially. Sometimes the greatest stressors come from within, our attempts to be the best partner/parent/daughter/brother/insert role.

Mindfulness has been a buzz word for the past decade or so and shows no sign of leaving center stage of the $3.7 trillion global wellness market (Reference). And there's good reason-- midnfulness is touted as the antidote for aging, perfectionism, anxiety, depression. The list goes on. But for those unfamiliar with mindfulness, learning what it is and what it isn't, and figuring out how to bring it into your life can cause more of those feelings of overwhelm we're trying to conquer. After all, won't adding something else to your to do list make you even busier?

That feeling of being busy and rushing all the time, there's a choice in that. At least that's what the gurus of mindfulness tell us. With a mindful approach, we get to decide how we interact with the world around us. Mindfulness helps us to slow down and  to pay attention to our thoughts, behaviors and reactions. Mindfulness allows us to respond rather than react.

How to Be More Mindful

So how do we bring mindfulness into our daily lives? Like all things we strive towards, we must develop a mindfulness practice to reap the rewards. We must schedule a time, then stop what we're doing, and sit. Starting with a guided meditation can often be a helpful place to begin for those who have no prior experience with mindfulness. Below is a short 5-minute guided mindfulness exercise. It's one that I introduce to clients in my practice and in my infertility support groups: 5 Senses Mindfulness Exercise. I didn't write it myself, but it's my recording.

I like this exercise because it allows us to recognize the many ways we can be mindful in our own bodies each and every day. By attuning to the senses we can invite ourselves to stay in the present moment when we're eating, resting, gazing, walking, listening-- grounding ourselves wherever we may be, whenever we need it. 
 

The Wandering Mind

Photo by ANDRIK ↟ LANGFIELD ↟ PETRIDES on Unsplash

I like to remind my clients that there's no right and wrong with mindfulness; it's simply about cultivating awareness. Many people incorrectly believe they're "doing it wrong" because their mind wanders. This is normal as our minds are made to think. The practice of mindfulness is to simply guide your attention back to whatever it is you are doing-- breathing, pushing a grocery cart, taking a shower. Yes, each of these activities can be done mindfully. But let's start with sitting.

So find yourself a quiet place to begin. Push the button below when you're ready. You will need to download the link in order to play it on iTunes. I hope this experience allows you to slow down, if even for just 5 minutes

Whether you're a busy parent or longing to be one, mindfulness is an invaluable tool to help cope with the stressors of daily living. If you’re looking for a therapist in the San Diego area, I’m happy to help. Feel free to reach out by phone or email and we can talk about ways you might benefit from counseling.