How To Decrease Shame After A Pregnancy Loss

What's your experience like, is it hard to find community? It takes courage and vulnerability to foster connections that support our growth and healing, especially when we're struggling.

As we welcome November, I'm reflecting on October and the advocacy and awareness highlighted through the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month campaigns on social media. I was reminded by Sara*, a member of my infertility group, how much work there still is to do. Sara's experienced multiple pregnancy losses over recent years and yet never heard of this awareness campaign. How about you?

Sara joined the group feeling emotionally isolated from her large and loving family. As the parent of a toddler, there were a lot of questions about baby number 2’s arrival. She shared little with family about her recurrent miscarriages and secondary infertility and came to loathe family events. The barrage of questions that would inevitably come, and the feelings of shame were too much. Isolation was easier.  
 
Thankfully, someone pointed Sara to my group. She loved hearing from other group members who faced similar dilemmas, and similar grief. She perked up when I shared about the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness campaign early in the month. We discussed the different hashtags to explore, and the Wave of Light ceremony on October 15th, where people light candles in honor of their babies who have died.

Earlier this week we met for our final group session. Sara beamed as she shared about her disclosure on social media. Inspired by the online community around #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth and the connections she made in group, Sara shared publicly for the first time about her journey.  

She was blown away by the thoughtful comments, love, and compassion she received from her community. When she attended a family event over the weekend, no one asked her about baby number 2. Was it a coincidence? She wasn’t sure, but she felt inspired by the response to her vulnerability and encouraged to keep talking with those she loved. 

I share Sara’s experience for a few reasons. To highlight:

1- Campaigns like Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month are so important!

They help create community for people who are feeling isolated. They decrease shame and inspire people, like Sara, to break their silence and gain needed support to weather difficult times. Campaigns like this also help to educate our community so we can be more empathetic towards one another.

2- Your voice matters.

Letting people in takes courage and vulnerability.  Letting people know your pain means they can offer you support. Does sharing on social media feel like too much? Consider what it would be like to open up to someone you trust. What might you gain in return?

3- Therapy groups are healing.

Not only do groups decrease isolation, but connecting with others experiencing similar struggles has the power to reduce shame. After all, empathy is the antidote to shame. 

I know it can feel scary to step out of your comfort zone. While social media can be a tough place, when you look in the right places there are many supportive communities waiting. To join a group, to speak up, to ask for help— it takes courage. And yet, taking risks, like Sara, is what brings us out of isolation and closer to one another. 

If you're interested in joining a group here in San Diego, or virtually throughout California, or would like to explore individual support along your reproductive journey, don’t hesitate to reach out.

6-Week Mind-Body Infertility Support Group Starting

If you've been following along for any length of time, you know that I'm passionate about helping women who are experiencing infertility. I understand how lonely, scary and isolating this path can be.

In addition to the individual infertility counseling I provide to women in my private practice here in San Diego, I facilitate support groups. These groups introduce new coping strategies and offer women a place to share, connect and gain support from other women who are going through the same thing. 

This may not be you, but it's someone you know- your sister, your cousin, your friend. I know because of just how common infertility is that we're talking about someone you know, perhaps someone you care for deeply. Please consider sharing this with her.  

Does this sound like you, or someone you care about?

• "I'm so overwhelmed with the process of trying to have a baby; I never thought it would be this hard".

• "I feel so alone in this process; no one I know has struggled to have a baby"! 

• "I'm not really sure what to do anymore. The anticipation and the waiting/trying to conceive are stressing me out so much".

• "I'm dreading this visit home and having to hear one more person ask me when we're going to have a baby". 

• "I feel so guilty for how I feel when I see pregnant women, or baby announcements; is this normal?"

Maybe you/they haven't actually said these words, but the feelings are there. If it's someone you care about, perhaps you've noticed their withdrawal, their worry and you're concerned about them.

Gaining support from others and developing new coping skills can help: 

• Reduce anxiety, stress and/or overwhelm 

• Lessen feelings of isolation, loneliness or depression

• Improve communication and relationships with important people in your life

My next Infertility Support Group starts on October 9th and is designed for women who are experiencing primary or secondary infertility. Throughout the group we'll explore issues related to infertility, including the impact on identity, self-esteem, sexuality and relationships. Participants have the opportunity to learn and practice relaxation and other mind-body coping skills each week. While we can't change the stressors you experience each day, you can learn to manage your response to allow you to live more comfortably and engage with life more fully. 

You can learn more about the group and schedule an intake through this link. If you have any questions, you can email me or sign up for a free consultation.

You also might find this blog post helpful when considering the benefits of a support group. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Resources for Connection and Healing

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

In the United States, one in four women experience a miscarriage, and one in 160 experience a stillbirth each year. These number are high, though despite being such a common occurrence the pain is no less. 

Perhaps you have experienced a loss yourself. If not, you surely know someone who has, even if you're not aware of it. Losing a baby can be a lonely and isolating time. Unfortunately, death and loss continue to be very private topics in most circles. For some well-meaning family and friends, they're not sure what to say and how to help (this article might be helpful for them to read). And for others, they're unaware just how long these wounds remain. Time marches on, yet for those who have experienced such a loss, time also stands still.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and this Sunday, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrence Day. In solidarity with all the families who know this pain, I offer no advice but resources to help you connect with others on your healing journey, and to honor your lost child(ren) throughout the month. You are not alone. 

San Diego Events and Resources for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Walk to Remember 2017 Empty Cradle"s annual  Walk to Remember will be held on Sunday, October 15, 2017 at Town Center Community Park East in Santee, CA.Side By Side 5K  A 5K benefitting Life Perspectives, a non-profit organization that provides healing resources for men and women worldwide who are experiencing loss through miscarriage or abortion. 

Empty Cradle  A San Diego Based peer support group for parents who have experienced the loss of their baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, TFMR, infant death, SIDS or SUID. Our goal is to offer bereaved families support via a resource parent network, through monthly meetings, written materials and partnership with the health care community.

Postpartum Health Alliance Lists many more resources, both locally here in San Diego and nationally for families experiencing a loss. 

National Events for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Remembering Our Babies The official site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day-- October 15th. Please consult for local to you walks and activities. 

Wave of Light  October 15th is the wave of light event. The idea is at 7pm no matter what your time zone is you light a candle in remembrance for our angels, if you keep it burning for at least an hour there will be a continual wave of light across the world all day.

Capture Your Grief  A 31 day photograph challenge. If you have experienced the death of your baby/ies/child/ren, this project is designed just for you! It doesn’t matter whether you are only a week into this walk or you have been walking this road for 20 years, all are welcome to join in.

Pregnancy Loss Journey  A podcast where you can hear from professionals, authors, and organizations in the field, along with personal loss stories. 

If you are in San Diego and could benefit from additional support along your journey, please reach out for help. It would be an honor to walk beside you. And if you are somewhere else in the world and looking for counseling around the loss of a pregnancy or infant, please refer to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Directory. 

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Please feel free to add any additional local or national events in the comments. If you're mourning the loss of a child and would like to connect with a therapist in the San Diego area, I’m happy to help. Feel free to reach out by phone or email and we can talk about ways you might benefit from counseling. 

Four Reasons to Join An (In)fertility Group

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I’m encouraging anyone who’s struggling with infertility to speak up and get the support they need. If you know someone who’s could benefit, please consider sharing this article; you may not know how to help them, but pointing them to resources and letting them know you want to help will be appreciated.

Infertility is often a lonely and isolating time. It’s unexpected, often coming from out of the blue. But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are groups around that can help you deal with the predictable emotional roller coaster of feeling scared, worried, disappointed and sad. 

You may have considered looking for a group. You may have even located one, in your neighborhood, city or even online, but something has gotten in your way of joining. Hopefully reading this article will encourage you to think about the value of joining an infertility group.

Acknowledging the issue of infertility is often the biggest barrier to seeking help. The word itself may at first be scary, And then there's the fear and shame, which help maintain the loneliness and isolation so many experience. We often think we should be able to handle whatever life throws at us alone. But that's simply unrealistic. We are social beings and rely on others for many reasons. 

You may feel uneasy about sharing your dilemma with others. You may be fearful of hearing others’ stories. But here are four reasons why I hope you will consider joining an infertility support group. The old adage, "Joy shared, twice the gain, sorrow shared, half the pain,” rings true for me every time: 

1. EXPAND YOUR COMMUNITY

Infertility is often a lonely and isolating time. Whether you join a group expressly for women, or one for couples, you can expect to meet others who are in a similar situation and can relate to many of the struggles you're facing. Living in isolation can leave us feeling like we're the only ones who feel a certain way. Joining a group helps to validate common worries and emotions that individuals and couples face who are experiencing infertility.
 

2. LEARN COPING SKILLS

Infertility often goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety. Learning how to manage difficult emotions and life challenges associated with your infertility diagnosis is often another benefit to joining a group. Infertility is a crisis and a reproductive trauma, yet most people focus exclusively on medical interventions to reach their goal of having a baby. The emotional impact of infertility is often neglected until the distress is greatly impacting their day-to-day life and relationships.

So what if I told you that learning new tools could help decrease your symptoms of depression and anxiety like stress, worry, sadness, grief and loss? Did you know that deceasing these feelings could have a positive impact on your fertility? Many professionally led groups teach participants a combination of Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Mindfulness skills. Here’s how these skills can help you: 

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), an evidence based treatment for both depression and anxiety, is based on the understanding that our thoughts influence our emotions, but that our thoughts aren't always accurate. CBT teaches us how to challenge our thoughts to make them more realistic. 

• While Mindfulness has been a big buzz word for the past 5-10 years, many are still confused with the objective. Being mindful is about paying attention, slowing down and becoming aware and noticing your thoughts. By slowing ourselves down  on a regular basis we become skilled at approaching difficult moments in a more thoughtful intentional way. Simply slowing down and mindfully approaching stressful situations can have an important ripple effect benefit you in a multitude of ways.
   

3. LEARN FROM OTHERS

It is said, "Knowledge is Power." The treatment of infertility is often diverse and complex. Educating yourself as to the wide variety of treatment approaches and options is important. Joining a group may open your eyes to new options and opportunities.
 

4. FINANCIAL SAVINGS

It's no surprise that infertility treatments can be costly. You're doing everything you can to have a baby and it adds up: consultations with reproductive endocrinologists, acupuncture treatment, appointments with a naturopath, testing, procedures to rule out contributing health issues... And this is all before any costs of medications or other assisted reproductive technology are accounted for.

So how does joining a group save you money, you're wondering? Research shows that women struggling with infertility for 2-3 years have double the rate of depression than their peers without fertility complications (Domar, Broom et al 1992). The good news is that decreasing depression has proven to increase rates of conception by 50%. Joining a group can provide you with new skills to help you to cope with difficult emotions and challenges in relationships that often accompany infertility.

A group isn't necessarily a cure-all, but it's more cost-effective than ongoing individual therapy. By bolstering your support system and learning new coping strategies you may improve your mood and decrease the likelihood of needing an individual therapist as you proceed on your journey with infertility. What do you think, could a fertility group be right for you?

If you’re thinking that a group might be for you and you’re in the San Diego area, you can learn more about the groups I run here. I meet with all new group members before our first group to learn more about you and to make sure it’s the right fit. Give me a call if you'd like to learn more. If you’re outside of San Diego, you can find local fertility support groups through Resolve, the National Infertility Association, and Psychology Today.

Infertility Support Group

The journey through infertility can be lonely and isolating. Maybe you've lost touch with some of your friends or they just don't understand what you're going through. Even family, while well-meaning, often don't get it. 

The anxiety and stress can feel overwhelming. You're not sure what your next step is and how to navigate this stage of your life- this stage you never imagined having to go through in the first place. Maybe you worry you're too depressed to be around a group of other women. But remember- these women GET it! 

Join me, Rachel Rabinor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Dr. Elizabeth Winter, Licensed Naturopathic Doctor and Midwife for this 6-Week Mind/Body Infertility Support Group. 

Share as much or as little as you like. Listen to others. Feel the power of community. Reach out for support during this challenging time in your life and know you are not alone.

Dates: 
February 21 + 28
March 7, 14, 21 + 28

Cost: 
$275 ($225 before February 1, 2017)

Throughout the six weeks we'll explore issues related to fertility, including the impact on identity, self-esteem, sexuality and relationships. You'll have the opportunity to learn and practice relaxation and other mind/body coping skills each week. While we can't change the stressors you experience each day, we can help you learn to manage your response to allow you to live more comfortably and engage with life more fully. 

Women experiencing both primary and secondary infertility are welcome.

Registration required. 
 

How to #StartAsking for Support: The Journey of Secondary Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30, 2016) and the theme this year is “#StartAsking.” One of the goals of the #StartAsking campaign is to raise awareness, reduce the stigma and encourage people struggling to get the support they need. 

While infertility itself is seldom discussed at dinner parties, secondary infertility is even more of a hush hush subject. Sharing your experience with secondary infertility can help invite those who love you to advocate for you and support your family during this challenging time. 
 

What is Secondary Infertility? 

You have a child, or maybe two or three. You want to grow your family but it's been 6 months or 12 and still nothing. Or you've gotten pregnant but have miscarried. Again, perhaps. 

You discover on your own through your late night dates with google what you've got—secondary infertility. No one's said it but that's what you've got. According to Resolve, The National Infertility Association, secondary infertility:

is the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications. 

Why hasn’t anyone mentioned it, you want to know? You wonder why your doctor shrugged you off and told you to keep trying. Are they ignorant? Optimistic? Lazy? What are they waiting for!? 

There are so many complicated aspects to secondary infertility and coping with those who love you but who just don't get it. But the only way for them to know how hard it is and how lonely it is, is if we #StartAsking them to take a peek inside your world, to pay attention to your struggle, and understand what it’s like to experience secondary infertility. 

Consider sharing this list with them as a way to help them understand what you’re going through. Tell them the number of the struggle listed below that's hardest for you today. Add your own. Let them in. Let them help you! 

Common Struggles of Secondary Infertility 

1. You’re depressed and overwhelmed that you might not have another baby. 
2. You're mourning a loss. The loss of a baby. The loss of your dreams. Your life isn't going as planned and you have no control. You feel helpless.
3. Your relationship is strained— it can be difficult to get on the same page about treatments and to connect on a deeper level outside of your timed TTC (trying to conceive) "appointments". 
4. The judgement— You feel judged in online communities and sometimes in the real world too because you have a child already and others don't. You wish you could tell them— there's enough sorrow to go around, folks! 
5. The appointments! Who has time for all the appointments (the other kinds!)? Your RE, OB, the HSG, the routine ultrasounds. Let's not forget your acupuncturist! All the work you need to miss or childcare you need to arrange. It's a LOT. 
6. You struggle with envy as those around you, unintentionally or not, become pregnant.
7. Anniversaries hurt- your due date, when you had your (first/second/third) miscarriage, the holidays that coincide with those now infamous dates that are forever marred. 
8. The well meaning but unintended hurtful things your friends and family say in an effort to comfort you.
9. Your child(ren). Yes- so lucky to have that source of light. but dealing with the emotional weight of repeat losses, the TWW (two week wait), negative tests... it's intense. If you'd like some suggestions on maintaining your bond with your child through this dark stage, you might find this article helpful.
10. Your physical pain. The hormonal impact of infertility drugs- the anxiety, mood swings, weight gain. Or the nausea that comes with each hopeful pregnancy. 

If you feeling inspired to #StartASking for support, consider sharing this article with someone you love who can help you through your journey.

If you’re struggling with primary or secondary infertility and think you could benefit from the support of a trained psychotherapist, reach out! In San Diego, call Rachel Rabinor, LCSW for a free 30 minute in-person consultation. She maintains a private practice in the Banker’s Hill neighborhood where she specializes in Maternal Mental Health including infertility and loss. Resolve is a great resource for those outside of San Diego.