How To Decrease Shame After A Pregnancy Loss
Sara joined the group feeling emotionally isolated from her large and loving family. As the parent of a toddler, there were a lot of questions about baby number 2’s arrival. She shared little with family about her recurrent miscarriages and secondary infertility and came to loathe family events. The barrage of questions that would inevitably come, and the feelings of shame were too much. Isolation was easier.
What's your experience like, is it hard to find community? It takes courage and vulnerability to foster connections that support our growth and healing, especially when we're struggling.
As we welcome November, I'm reflecting on October and the advocacy and awareness highlighted through the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month campaigns on social media. I was reminded by Sara*, a member of my infertility group, how much work there still is to do. Sara's experienced multiple pregnancy losses over recent years and yet never heard of this awareness campaign. How about you?
Sara joined the group feeling emotionally isolated from her large and loving family. As the parent of a toddler, there were a lot of questions about baby number 2’s arrival. She shared little with family about her recurrent miscarriages and secondary infertility and came to loathe family events. The barrage of questions that would inevitably come, and the feelings of shame were too much. Isolation was easier.
Thankfully, someone pointed Sara to my group. She loved hearing from other group members who faced similar dilemmas, and similar grief. She perked up when I shared about the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness campaign early in the month. We discussed the different hashtags to explore, and the Wave of Light ceremony on October 15th, where people light candles in honor of their babies who have died.
Earlier this week we met for our final group session. Sara beamed as she shared about her disclosure on social media. Inspired by the online community around #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth and the connections she made in group, Sara shared publicly for the first time about her journey.
She was blown away by the thoughtful comments, love, and compassion she received from her community. When she attended a family event over the weekend, no one asked her about baby number 2. Was it a coincidence? She wasn’t sure, but she felt inspired by the response to her vulnerability and encouraged to keep talking with those she loved.
I share Sara’s experience for a few reasons. To highlight:
1- Campaigns like Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month are so important!
They help create community for people who are feeling isolated. They decrease shame and inspire people, like Sara, to break their silence and gain needed support to weather difficult times. Campaigns like this also help to educate our community so we can be more empathetic towards one another.
2- Your voice matters.
Letting people in takes courage and vulnerability. Letting people know your pain means they can offer you support. Does sharing on social media feel like too much? Consider what it would be like to open up to someone you trust. What might you gain in return?
3- Therapy groups are healing.
Not only do groups decrease isolation, but connecting with others experiencing similar struggles has the power to reduce shame. After all, empathy is the antidote to shame.
I know it can feel scary to step out of your comfort zone. While social media can be a tough place, when you look in the right places there are many supportive communities waiting. To join a group, to speak up, to ask for help— it takes courage. And yet, taking risks, like Sara, is what brings us out of isolation and closer to one another.
If you're interested in joining a group here in San Diego, or virtually throughout California, or would like to explore individual support along your reproductive journey, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Resources for Connection and Healing
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In solidarity with all the families who know this pain, I offer no advice but resources to help you connect with others on your healing journey, and to honor your lost child(ren) throughout the month. You are not alone.
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
In the United States, one in four women experience a miscarriage, and one in 160 experience a stillbirth each year. These number are high, though despite being such a common occurrence the pain is no less.
Perhaps you have experienced a loss yourself. If not, you surely know someone who has, even if you're not aware of it. Losing a baby can be a lonely and isolating time. Unfortunately, death and loss continue to be very private topics in most circles. For some well-meaning family and friends, they're not sure what to say and how to help (this article might be helpful for them to read). And for others, they're unaware just how long these wounds remain. Time marches on, yet for those who have experienced such a loss, time also stands still.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and this Sunday, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrence Day. In solidarity with all the families who know this pain, I offer no advice but resources to help you connect with others on your healing journey, and to honor your lost child(ren) throughout the month. You are not alone.
San Diego Events and Resources for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Walk to Remember 2017 Empty Cradle"s annual Walk to Remember will be held on Sunday, October 15, 2017 at Town Center Community Park East in Santee, CA.Side By Side 5K A 5K benefitting Life Perspectives, a non-profit organization that provides healing resources for men and women worldwide who are experiencing loss through miscarriage or abortion.
Empty Cradle A San Diego Based peer support group for parents who have experienced the loss of their baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, TFMR, infant death, SIDS or SUID. Our goal is to offer bereaved families support via a resource parent network, through monthly meetings, written materials and partnership with the health care community.
Postpartum Health Alliance Lists many more resources, both locally here in San Diego and nationally for families experiencing a loss.
National Events for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Remembering Our Babies The official site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day-- October 15th. Please consult for local to you walks and activities.
Wave of Light October 15th is the wave of light event. The idea is at 7pm no matter what your time zone is you light a candle in remembrance for our angels, if you keep it burning for at least an hour there will be a continual wave of light across the world all day.
Capture Your Grief A 31 day photograph challenge. If you have experienced the death of your baby/ies/child/ren, this project is designed just for you! It doesn’t matter whether you are only a week into this walk or you have been walking this road for 20 years, all are welcome to join in.
Pregnancy Loss Journey A podcast where you can hear from professionals, authors, and organizations in the field, along with personal loss stories.
If you are in San Diego and could benefit from additional support along your journey, please reach out for help. It would be an honor to walk beside you. And if you are somewhere else in the world and looking for counseling around the loss of a pregnancy or infant, please refer to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Directory.
Please feel free to add any additional local or national events in the comments. If you're mourning the loss of a child and would like to connect with a therapist in the San Diego area, I’m happy to help. Feel free to reach out by phone or email and we can talk about ways you might benefit from counseling.